My 13-year-old is worrying about all the unrest in our country. What do I do to help?
Well, first of all, you probably share your emotions, but that means you have to identify your emotions. Are you worried? Are you concerned? What if you are? What if you also are feeling anxious about the unrest?
Then what do we do? See, we have children who observe our emotions, so they're concerned. We need to be authentic and real with our concerns.
So if I were you, which I am concerned myself—I legitimately am—I'm concerned about what's happening. So can I fairly say, “You know, me too”? So let's talk about how we can go through this together, because I feel anxious and you're feeling anxious. So what do we do with this?
Well, one of the things that we know in human relationships is that when we feel heard, when we feel understood, it actually comforts us. It soothes us.
So now you're actually modeling how to be authentic. And also, you have an opportunity to teach your child how you're going through it.
I'll give you an example. In our lives, we have had many opportunities to experience things that may be similar to this. I think of 1980—ooh, I don’t know what exact year—the mid-eighties, where there was rioting going on in Los Angeles. Rodney... can’t remember his last name. Rodney... team. Yes, I can share those experiences.
When I was your age, this was going on and it made me anxious and I thought, “What's happening?” And I also know that that unrest eventually got settled.
So I don't know how it's going to turn out right now, but I can tell you that we've been down this road before. We've been down this path, and I know that it may feel like it’s not gonna conclude. Right. But I can tell you that my experience is that there will be solutions, and they will come. And I don’t know what that looks like, but I also know—because I have friends who served in World War II or the Korean War or the Vietnam War—well, it’s some of the most difficult things.
We're a very resilient culture. We do hard things.
So I can just tell you from the experience—well, we can’t control what other people do. What we can control is what happens inside of us.
So let me just do an exercise with you. This is what I do when I’m stressed. I listen to music that calms me down, or I do a breathing exercise just to get more centered in how I'm feeling.
So I've been honest about my experience. I've given them a little bit of information from my life. I’ve opened up to them, which gives them a little bit more bandwidth of understanding. And then I've talked about solutions. Here are some of the things that I do.
And all of that is modeling for them things that help them feel heard, understood, and maybe reframe this anxiousness—that the world is falling apart and it’s gonna fall apart and our world's gonna come to an end.
And so ultimately what I’m saying is: we've been here. And that's how I go through it. I don't know how you go through it, but that's how I do. Because I can't control what other people choose to do. I can’t do that. And if I try to, that will overwhelm my system.
I can control what happens in here—my thoughts, my actions. I can choose to be a kind person. I can choose to listen. I can choose to validate. And I can choose to create a relationship with my 10-year-old. Those are the things I can control.
I was studying the work of Dr. Al Siebert. He is a resiliency researcher, spent his entire career studying resiliency. He interviewed people who had been through tremendous difficult circumstances—everything from being attacked by wild animals, natural disasters, Holocaust survivors... you can go on the list.
And he spent his entire 35-year career studying resilient people and what they did. And the most resilient people were flexible. They were adaptable. They recognized that challenges—the difficulties—they come to an end.
We are a resilient people. And as difficult as life may be, we've done hard things and we will continue to do hard things.
So that's how I work through this. I studied resiliency and how we do that. We’re flexible and adaptable. We learn in chaos that those things come to an end. We create an environment where people feel heard and understood and validated.
Those are the things we can control—the relationships, the connections, and the communication that we offer to others.
