How can I help a high school team process their grief after losing a teammate by suicide?
My heart goes out to the whole team. In situations like this, there are often many questions such as, “Could I have done more?” “Did we do something wrong?” “Did we say something?” or “Should we have acted differently?” Most team members will likely have some version of these questions. Others may feel so overwhelmed that they don’t want to think about it at all.
Some students may feel guilt or shame, believing they should have known how to help or noticed signs of struggle. Others may feel emotionally flooded and want to avoid dealing with it altogether. The important thing to understand is that the entire team will not respond the same way.
Some may try to ignore it because thinking about it feels overwhelming. Others may feel intense guilt or shame and want to run away from those feelings. These are common responses.
A lesson I learned from a colleague who worked with individuals facing terminal illness was the importance of bringing the experience into the open. He would bring people together—including the person who was ill—and allow everyone to talk about what they were experiencing.
If we imagine placing the experience of losing a teammate in the middle of the group, everyone could take turns sharing how they feel and what they experienced. Giving people the opportunity to talk about their thoughts and emotions helps create a sense of unity. It allows the burden to be shared rather than carried alone.
If I were a parent in this situation, I would ask questions like, “Let’s talk about this experience. How has it affected you? What thoughts have you had?” When I was younger, I lost a friend to suicide, and I remember feeling confusion, not understanding what happened, and wishing I had done or said something to help them want to live.
Giving grief a voice can be healing. Working collectively with coaches and parents can create a space where students feel safe talking about their emotions. Because we know that those close to a suicide loss are also at increased risk, it’s important to ask openly if others are having similar thoughts or feelings and to create a plan of support together.
Another meaningful step is sending a message of love to the family. Letting them know, as a team, that you care, that their loved one mattered, and that your thoughts are with them can be deeply healing. It’s a gift you can give during an incredibly difficult time.
Strengthening others can also give you strength. That’s where I would begin.
