One more question about emotional regulation and stress. How do I help my child manage their emotions—whether big or small—when their first instinct is to scream and cry?
So you’re saying the first instinct is to scream or cry. In the language I used earlier, that is a fight response: “I need attention. I don’t feel safe.”
I would be curious about the age of the child, because if their initial response is to scream or cry, it’s probably because that’s how they’ve learned to get attention in that moment.
We know children generally respond to a soft tone of voice or healthy touch. If the child is “flooded” (meaning their heart rate might be over 100, which is common when screaming or angry), they may not want touch, but they can still benefit from a softer tone.
If we match their intensity, they learn they can control us by that intensity. If we’re softer, we invite them to join us in a calmer state.
So, ultimately, a soft tone of voice—and, if possible, a hug—can help. With a younger child, it might be a full embrace, having them sit on your lap. With an older child, it depends on whether they’re comfortable with touch.
We need to understand their comfort level with touch and whether tone of voice can help. Add a smile, affirmations like “I believe in you” or “It’s going to be okay, I’m here with you.” These soft reassurances can help them settle down.
You’re intervening in the moment by not matching their emotional intensity and instead offering soothing strategies. This connects to concepts we teach in our parent guidance course about understanding the basic needs of children as they develop. That course goes into more depth about what we’re discussing here.
