We have another question here.
“My 18-year-old has secrets on his phone. What do we do? We are worried. We pay for the phone, and we're not cutting our kids off at 18. So please give us some advice.”
Dr. Kevin Skinner responds:
Okay, so, boy, there are a couple questions I’d want to clarify—secrets on their phone. The reason this is challenging is that some secrets are okay, but others are not. So, the concept of privacy... let’s say the secrets are illegal, like sending sexually inappropriate images—that’s not uncommon today among youth, but many don’t understand the illegal nature of sending underage pictures. That kind of secret is a big deal.
On the other hand, communication with friends or wanting some privacy may not be as big of a deal. The deeper question is: Why do they feel like they need to keep a secret?
As a parent, the key is asking, “Can I have that kind of conversation?” You might say, “I understand there’s something on your phone you don’t want me to see. Could you help me understand why?”
Relationships are built on trust and honesty. If you want to keep something secret, I won’t be able to fully understand what you’re experiencing. That affects our relationship. And yes, you're 18—there’s a lot you can do that I can't stop, but I’m choosing to pay for the phone and let you live under our roof. So, our relationship needs to be built on trust.
I want that kind of relationship with you. Is there something I can do to help facilitate it? Because I do have concerns when you say, “I don’t want you to see this.” That does concern me. Can we talk about it?
Be soft and inviting. Remember: relationship before rules.
There’s a reason it’s a secret—will they talk about it or not? If not, then in a loving way say, “That concerns me.” Approach from a place of softness. There may be resistance: “It’s my phone, I deserve privacy.” Yes—and also accountability.
You might say, “If you’d like, I can give you that responsibility. But I want to help and support you. As a family, I’m concerned—and here’s why.”
You need to identify: What are you concerned about? Why does it concern you? How can you best communicate that? Use the model of what, why, and how.
That’s what I’d invite you to do before talking with your child about the phone situation.
