How do I deal with a 9-year-old who has tantrums?
Dr. Skinner explains that tantrums are fairly common for nine-year-olds and that some level of emotional outburst is developmentally normal. Rather than reacting with alarm, he encourages parents to first recognize this normalcy.
He emphasizes the importance of understanding what is driving the tantrum, noting that “there’s always a story.” A tantrum may be caused by fatigue, frustration, not getting one’s way, or even a learned behavior used to gain attention. While parents may not know the exact cause every time, they often understand their child well enough to identify likely triggers.
Dr. Skinner discusses several possible responses—timeouts, consequences, or sitting with the child—and notes that each can be effective depending on the situation. His preferred approach is to get close to the child and help them give voice to what the tantrum is expressing. He encourages parents to be curious rather than immediately shutting the behavior down.
He explains that sitting with the child, asking questions, and helping them articulate their feelings can support emotional awareness and regulation. If the child is unable to calm themselves, a timeout may still be appropriate, but framed as a way to help regulate emotions rather than as punishment.
Dr. Skinner also highlights the importance of calming presence. A parent’s tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions can either escalate or soothe the situation. Modeling calm behavior can help a child regulate more effectively during emotional moments.
