How can I help my over-aggressive child?
Let’s say it’s my child who is being aggressive. Regardless of the situation, I want to teach my child how to be with their own emotions. Aggression is usually a way of expressing frustration or hurt. Sometimes it’s anger toward someone or something. Other times, anger is something the child has witnessed or experienced at home or in other situations, and they are modeling what they’ve seen.
Helping anyone with aggression usually begins by helping them regulate their body’s autonomic nervous system—the fight, flight, or freeze response. When people are aggressive, it typically means they are in a fight response. They are reacting to something they feel is unjust, overwhelming, intimidating, or frightening, and they lash out.
Helping a child understand and give a voice to their emotions can be very helpful. This includes helping them name their emotions and giving them alternatives to aggression. For example: “I’m feeling angry. I need to take a break. I need to talk to a teacher. I need to leave this situation because I don’t want to push people away with my anger.”
Walking through this mentally and developing a strategy can be very effective, especially when someone is struggling to regulate their emotions. Emotional regulation is like a thermometer—you can turn emotions up or down. If I take a break, go for a walk, or talk about what I’m feeling instead of lashing out, I turn down the intensity of those emotions because I feel heard and understood.
This is a powerful way to help children deal with difficult emotions like anger, especially in settings like the playground. It’s important to talk with the child not only in the moment but also ahead of time, helping them pre-create a plan. This kind of preparation and consistent practice is something we want to continually implement.
