How can one reconcile with their parents’ childhood trauma?
Dr. Skinner explains that reconciling with parents’ trauma is a twofold process. First, it is important to understand that there is always a story behind a parent’s behavior. Parents and grandparents did not develop harmful patterns in a vacuum; their actions were shaped by real experiences and trauma they endured. Acknowledging that context helps create understanding, even when the pain they caused was real.
He emphasizes the importance of giving trauma a voice by recognizing how it has influenced one’s life. This may involve doing deeper trauma work to separate one’s sense of self from the trauma and from the individuals who caused it. Separation does not necessarily mean cutting off relationships, but rather being intentional and self-aware about interactions, especially when protecting oneself or one’s children from harm.
Dr. Skinner explains that sometimes parents or grandparents were simply unable to be what we needed them to be. Recognizing those limitations can be an important step in healing. When traumatic memories or abuse are present, he strongly encourages seeking professional therapy to address those specific experiences.
He mentions several evidence-based trauma therapies that have been helpful, including EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), and Internal Family Systems (IFS). These approaches can help individuals process both relationship trauma and individual traumatic experiences.
Finally, Dr. Skinner emphasizes the importance of talking about trauma with safe people and creating healthy boundaries. Healing requires choosing environments and relationships that do not continually cause harm. Establishing boundaries—even if that means limiting contact with certain individuals—is an appropriate and necessary step toward emotional well-being.
