How do you deal with a child who is defiant and doesn't want to do what you ask them to do?
Well, that's pretty normal, right? Most of us, when we're initially asked to do something, our first response is, "I don’t want to do that." So we shouldn’t be surprised when a child reacts the same way—whether it’s not wanting to do the dishes, clean their room, eat their broccoli, or do their homework. That’s just part of being human.
So, what do we do? We approach it with love.
Think about the task you want them to do. If it’s the dishes, do you have the ability to make them do it on their own? Probably. But what if, instead, you focused on building a better relationship?
You could say, "Hey, why don’t we do the dishes together and play a game?" Maybe start a story: "Once upon a time..." and invite them to add to it. If they resist, you can continue, "Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there was a big dinosaur. How big was it?" This turns the task into something engaging.
I've done this with my own kids. When they didn’t want to do the dishes, I helped and made up a story as we worked. By the time we finished, not only were the dishes done, but we had a fun story too.
You can use the same approach for homework. Sit down with them and set a 15-minute timer. Say, "Let’s both work for 15 minutes and then check in on how we did." You’re modeling the behavior and making it a shared experience rather than just a demand.
For cleaning their room, turn it into a game: "Let’s see how fast we can do it!" While this may not work for a teenager, it’s great for younger kids. The key is to make it playful and interactive.
The primary goal is relationship before rules. When we focus on connection first, we’re more likely to see positive outcomes.
