Building Emotional Regulation Skills for Children: Why It Matters

Anybody who’s ever had a child – or who has ever been a child – knows it can be hard for them to get a handle on their emotions.

Learning emotional regulation is an important part of growing up. Children who learn to control their emotions will be better able to handle life’s challenges.

How can you help a child with these important life skills? Brett Williams, a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, shared some tips with ParentGuidance.org  in “Emotional Regulation – Recognizing What’s Wrong.” 

What is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation is the ability to control your own emotional state (Rolston & Lloyd-Richardson). 

Most of us use emotional regulation techniques to cope with difficult or upsetting situations. We usually don’t even think about it. Sometimes these strategies are healthy. 

Mindfulness activities for children are one example of healthy ways to regulate emotions. So are journaling, talking through emotions, or simply getting enough sleep. 

Sometimes the reactions aren’t healthy. These could include substance abuse or self-harm. 

Families can help children learn healthy ways to handle big emotions in their lives.

Understanding Emotional Energy

We can think of our emotions as energy in motion. Emotional energy moves us toward action. But if that energy turns inward, it can lead to anxiety or anger. 

If a child can keep a healthy flow of energy, they can build emotional balance, calmness and focus.

Families can think of times when their children went from excited to overwhelmed, or from giddy to angry. Those are examples of emotions being too high then too low. 

It is helpful to think of emotions as a bell-shaped curve, Williams said. Low emotional energy can mean problems for children. Too high emotional energy can also cause problems. That can lead to children becoming overwhelmed with emotions.

It’s important to encourage emotional expression in children. This helps children develop good emotional regulation skills. Parents can praise children when they talk about feelings in an appropriate way. Caregivers can also model good behavior (Guy-Evans, 2023). 

There’s a sweet spot of emotional energy people can aim for. 

Finding the Goldilocks Zone of Emotional Balance

Parents can help their children find the “Goldilocks Zone” of emotional balance. This is the area where a child’s emotional energy is not too high and not too low. The emotional energy is just right, Williams said. 

But how? 

Emotional Regulation Skills and Techniques for Kids

There are several methods and techniques kids can use to learn to find emotional balance. Williams suggests three techniques children can learn. 

The Think-a-rator

The Think-a-rator is based on the idea that people naturally rate everything in their lives. We can learn the appropriate way to rate things – you don’t want too many “0”s or “10”s. The Think-a-rator helps children:

• Think about consequences
• Regulate emotions
• Think about their concerns
• Regulate their temper

Learning to assign the proper amount of emotion or energy to an event is a skill everyone can develop. Parents can help kids decide what events are critical and need an intense response. They can also help them decide which ones are minor. 

The Body Scan Technique

The Body Scan technique is a good tool for older children. Williams described how it works:

1. Make yourself comfortable, with your hands by your side or in your lap
2. Take several long, slow, deep breaths. Breathe in through your nose and out your mouth or nose.
3. Feel your stomach expand as you inhale, relax, then exhale
4. Now, pay attention to your feet.
5. Then, up to your ankles, calves, knees, and thighs: Up through the entire body
6. Finish with a full, deep breath. Exhale completely.
7. When you’re ready, open your eyes and return your attention to the moment.

Think about what you’ve felt or noticed. Helping your child with this technique can make them aware of what their body’s trying to tell them. 

The “Give me a Squeeze” technique

This technique helps younger children show how they’re feeling, Williams said. Younger children may not be verbal, but can physically show you how they feel (Kids Helpline,2018). This also lets them recognize the depth of their feelings.

Ask them to grab your finger and give it a squeeze. Ask them to let you know how they feel inside by squeezing your finger.

A tight, hard squeeze means a lot of feelings. A gentle squeeze means things are going ok. Talk over the squeeze levels with your children.

Steps to Build Resilience in Children

Helping your child manage their emotions is one way to help them develop resiliency. You can do this by understanding emotional energy. You can also help by modeling positive behavior in regulating your own emotions. 

Using techniques like the Think-a-rator, “Give me a squeeze,” or the body scan tactic are also good exercises.