The first question, Dr. Skinner, is my son won't respond
to my questions or attempts to make conversation.
He just grunts or shrugs
and says one word and goes to his room.
How do I get him to talk to me and communicate?
Well, uh, this is a really good question,
and it's a common question that I've heard,
uh, from parents.
Like, I get grunts and grumblings and uhs and uhs
and, uh, I don't know, whatever, uh, type of responses.
And so my initial, uh, thought is, uh, going back in time,
your relationship with this specific child.
And I would want you to think about, uh,
maybe the last few weeks,
maybe the last few months when you really started
to see this behavior, uh, escalate.
Now, the reason why this matters is we want
to reflect upon a shift.
So first part of it is looking at the pattern
that we're observing.
The second part of it is what,
how did your relationship used to be with your child
before they became mumblers
and grumbler in one syllable, one whatever word
person, right?
Why were they, why are they now responding this way?
The timing of it. I want to understand their timing.
When did this start?
And I wanna understand something in our dynamics, uh, is,
is my child pulling away from me?
If so, what is triggering that pull away?
I wanna have a conversation, but how do I prepare for it?
One of the core things that I've learned over the last few
years is mental rehearsal is proper preparation
to prevent pain.
Now, lemme explain what I just said.
We want to prepare for this conversation.
Many times as parents and,
and in our marital relationships, we just say things
because we're in a conversation.
We don't really think about the core message
of what we're trying to say.
So imagine with me if I said to you, okay, mom, dad,
what are you trying to say to your child in this situation
where you're getting ums
and ahs, uh, one word answers are you really not saying,
I'd like to learn more about you.
We haven't had a meaningful conversation in days or weeks or months. I just wonder what's happening in your life.
Now, I may reflect on the past.
You know, it seems like we used to be able to talk about some of these things, but I don't know what's changed. Can we talk about that? Now, notice I'm, uh, I'm not, I'm just observing and I'm also inviting
because I'd like a deeper relationship.
So in my communication here, I'm actually focusing on where we've been, where we're at, and what I would like it to look like. And I would also invite them to open up,
have I done something that has offended them?
I would want to be aware of that.
Uh, is there something going on in their life that I'm missing that I'm not paying attention to,
that they may need more attention?
Is it a substance use?
Is it hidden behaviors that we're not aware of?
Or is it possible that they're just being teens
and they're like, I don't parents.
I've got my peers, I've got my friends,
and or are they depressed?
See, I've got a lot of ORs here
because I don't know your specific situation,
but as a parent, my invitation to you is to pause
and reflect on what you're observing.
Is your, is your child isolating from friends?
Are they isolating from the family?
Is that, is that common or uncommon?
And so in this situation, if I could,
I might even be a little bit playful with my child,
depending on this relationship, and I'd say so, uh, um, uh,
um, what does that mean?
I'm trying to understand your uhs and your ahs.
And I, I mean, I, I, could you interpret
that, what that means for me?
So I might even be a little bit playful
with my child if I have that kind of relationship?
Because in that way, it's actually like in playing, I,
I was reading a book about how we can effectively connect.
And one of the core things is even
during difficult conversations, if we can find a way to play
and laugh, it actually alters the environment
and helps us bond
or connect in usually the way that we want. So I guess my answer to that question, Michelle, is think of all these questions I've asked, do some self-reflection, and then I would go from there.
