How do I set boundaries with a 13-year-old whose behavior has gotten out of control?
There are a few things I think about. When we see defiance, we’re seeing someone experiencing something internally that they’re uncomfortable with. Defiance is usually a way of saying, “I want to do this my way.” Sometimes it’s for attention, but often it’s because they feel a need for power or control—they want to influence the outcome.
Ideally, we try to understand why they feel the need to do things their own way. Defiance isn’t always a bad thing; it’s a signal that the child wants to feel in control. While they can’t control everything, they still need to feel like they have options and choices.
Defiance often means they feel out of control or unsafe in their environment. When we feel safe, we are more willing to talk, listen, and trust. Excessive defiance may stem from life events where choices were taken away, where they weren’t allowed to do things their way, or where someone hurt or harmed them. A child who’s been wounded may decide, “No one is going to hurt me again,” and become defiant as a form of protection.
So while we can label defiance as misbehavior, that doesn’t answer the real question: What is triggering the defiance? What’s driving it? It might be attention, control, fear, distrust, or past hurt. There is always a reason, even if the child can’t articulate it.
We want to understand that reason and give the child options and choices. If they don’t want to do one thing, offer another option. This helps them feel empowered. Setting boundaries with a defiant teen begins with understanding their story, their needs, and the experiences that shaped their behavior.
