How do I set up boundaries without making my child think that I don't love her? She has a meltdown when her devices are removed.
You know, this question, Michelle, is probably— I don’t know how many times we have done this over the last, maybe four years, right? But in particular, over the last year, year and a half, maybe up to two, we have seen more of these meltdowns associated with parents trying to take back that screen time.
The best answer to that is actually for everybody, before we provide screen time, to educate our children and create guidelines that are clear to the entire family. When we're gonna be using these devices, there are gonna be limitations. And let me explain why.
So, that is probably too late for this parent, but for us, it's about having screen time conversations and limitations. In fact, I’ve got eight children, and my son— we just had this conversation last night. After nine o’clock, based on schedules and everything—intensity, emotions—we’re gonna start shutting the screen off as close to nine as we can.
We’ve gotta create boundaries, or what we may refer to as structure, so our children have guidelines. Guidelines help us all function. We all need structure, we all need guidelines. You can call them boundaries.
An example of that is, imagine life without stop signs. Could you imagine what it would be like at an intersection? No stop signs, no stoplights. Could you imagine trying to drive in life? If we don't have any boundaries or parameters, then we aren't putting stop signs in life.
We all need boundaries. We all need to put these in place for structure. So, it's wise to do that with our electronic devices. It’s important.
Now, here’s a child who is already upset: "I'm gonna get angry." Well, help me understand. And now we get more into a role of parenting.
What’s your biggest concern with your child’s screen time? You’re trying to limit it, and they’re getting angry. How would I have a conversation? And this, Michelle, I think, is one of the more important parts.
We're trying to create a conversation around the anger. So, what’s actually happening? The child—it's not about the anger itself. It's about what's happening if they don’t get the device.
So, I’m not so focused on the anger as I am on what’s happening inside my child that they feel they have to have this, or they get angry.
I’m going to be gathering as much information and data as possible. I’m going to be talking with my child. But again, I’m trying to create an environment where I can have this conversation with my child.
It’s really important for all of us to understand that communicating with our child is first and foremost about the relationship, not just rules.
As parents, we can come in with rule after rule after rule. But we don’t respond well to that—none of us do.
Get to know me, understand what I’m experiencing. So, I would say: “Help me understand this game. If we talk about reducing your screen time, you get upset or angry. Help me understand what you’re experiencing.”
That’s a question I would want to ask my child. Those types of questions, those types of relationships, lead to more effective communication.
And then, I’m not just focusing on the anger. Because I could say, "Well, if you're going to throw a tantrum, now you're not getting the computer, and you're grounded for a year!"
Nobody’s ever done that before... except for most of us, right?
My point is, we want to set up parameters. We want to communicate with understanding. “Help me understand this. This game must be really important to you, because when we talk about not doing it, you get upset. Help me understand.”
We’re curious, we’re interested, we’re developing a conversation.
Then, when we talk about boundaries, we can say, "Look, we want to do other things too." And as a parent, you need to have alternatives.
We can’t just take something away and expect that they’ll be fine. There needs to be an alternative—something else for our children. It’s a very important part of their journey.
Right now, we’re in the way of them doing this thing. So, of course, they’re going to be frustrated with us. That’s why our relationship with them is so critical.
