How do we discuss traumatic events and tragedies with our children? I can barely handle my own distress.
This is a great question. More and more, we’ve had that question over the years. Let me try to address this the best way I can.
My first suggestion is to look inside yourself. Ask, “What has this event or these events done to me?” If I haven’t thought through that, then my emotions can either overwhelm a child or I may not be prepared to talk about it because their emotions may overwhelm me. I need to understand how I’m emotionally responding to the experience.
Whatever the traumatic event may be, I need to recognize: am I concerned, do I feel unsafe, am I worried, or am I angry? Once I understand my emotions, when I talk to my child, I can say, “I’m angry too.” If they’re not opening up, I might start by being vulnerable: “This situation is frustrating for me too,” or, “I don’t like it. I don’t know how you’re feeling.”
By being vulnerable, I’m showing my child how I’m experiencing this. That can open them up to say, “I am too, Mom,” or, “I am too, Dad.” Our preparation allows us to be more vulnerable and communicate effectively what we are experiencing. That’s really good preparation.
If you go into the conversation unprepared, you might say or do things you regret because you weren’t ready to talk about what you were experiencing. We can’t expect our children to open up if we don’t open up to them. That doesn’t mean we stop being the parent—it shows our children that we’re normal human beings with emotions. It invites them into the conversation because they are part of that traumatic event, too.
So, prepare, have open conversations, and allow your children to speak.
Another insight a friend taught me: To ask is to teach; to tell is to preach. By asking, I get information and help my child learn to trust their own thoughts and feelings. But if I only say, “Here’s what I’m feeling,” without wondering what they’re experiencing, I miss a key opportunity.
Even in sharing, I want to say, “This is what I’m thinking, but I’m more interested in what you’re experiencing.” Allowing your child to safely share their experience can be powerful and lead to better outcomes and relationships.
