How do you discipline a deeply feeling child in a way that won’t cause them to shut down and be defiant?

Usually, what we are trying to do is instill answers to their questions. We cannot avoid discipline—we need to teach guidelines—but we want to do it in a way that supports the child.

We start by having conversations when things are calm, when no one is upset, angry, or acting out. We create space to talk about behaviors we’ve observed that fall outside the family guidelines or rules. In that calm setting, we can say, “Let’s talk about what happens when this situation comes up.”

Deeply emotional children often already know when they’ve stepped outside the rules. They may feel like they’ve let their parents down or that they’re being picked on, which heightens their anxiety—especially around rejection or social judgment.

The key question is: Can we show love and still discipline? The answer is yes, but these children may not always feel the love behind the correction. They may only feel the discipline.

Our goal is to help the child feel loved and validated while still learning appropriate boundaries. A general guideline is relationship before rules. We continually work on the relationship—letting them know they are loved—while also reinforcing structure and guidelines within the family.