How do you handle children who are preoccupied with fairness?
That’s an interesting question. One of the things we know about childhood development is that there are certain stages where children have strong expectations about fairness. You’ll often hear a child say, “That’s not fair.”
Part of helping children grow is helping them understand that life isn’t fair. There are many examples in the world where things are not fair—people living in poverty, people lacking freedom of choice, or people facing illness. These realities help illustrate that life doesn’t always work in a fair or equal way.
If life were fair, would we experience death? Would people suffer from cancer or serious illness? Life is filled with emotional ups and downs, and part of resilience is learning how to adapt to things that aren’t fair.
In helping children develop resilience, we want them to understand that being resilient means adjusting to unfair situations. That’s a difficult lesson, but it’s an important one. Life doesn’t move in a straight, predictable line—it includes challenges, losses, and unexpected events.
From a developmental perspective, helping children recognize that life isn’t fair is key. What we do have control over is how we respond to unfairness. Our responses and choices are things we can influence.
This is a hard lesson, but once we understand it, we begin to ask ourselves, “What am I going to do about it?” or “How can I respond?” That’s where personal responsibility and choice come into play.
With younger children, they may not understand the depth of this concept. At their level, it can be as simple as saying, “Sometimes life isn’t fair,” and then asking, “What do you think would make it fair?” Allowing them to be part of that conversation helps them feel a sense of influence and responsibility.
Helping children come up with tools and strategies gives them an internal voice that says, “I can have some influence here.” Talking through these situations together can be a very powerful way to help children grow.
