So one of the questions that's trickled in already, Dr. Skinner, is:
We are struggling with discipline for our almost five-year-old.
He seems to love pushing our boundaries and has trouble with listening and following instructions.
What advice do you have for this family?
So, I like this question.
What do we know about a five-year-old? From a young age, really around two or the end of two into three years old, we start seeing more "no's."
We start seeing a little bit more resistance because what's happening at that age is they're starting to form their own idea of "I"—autonomy and independence.
Now they're into five, and if they found they had greater ability to influence earlier on, around age three or four, that can carry on into five.
And so you get this resistance because they want to do things their way.
In situations like this, I would suggest that we try to find activities and events that let them be decision-makers.
For example, have them help around their bedroom or clean up their room—a five-year-old, right?
You can go in and help them with that. Together, you can do it, which also gives you time together, something I strongly recommend.
But let’s say your child is doing something that creates a problem, like stealing a toy from a younger sibling or causing some kind of family disruption.
What we often know is that children do this as a way to get attention or energy.
I’m using "attention" and "energy" as similar concepts here—it’s their way of getting a response from you.
Now, what happens when that response is met with something different than they expect?
Say, love.
You might say, "I know you want to do that. I know that’s something you really want."
Then you can redirect: "I'll tell you what, later on, that may be something we can do."
If they’re throwing a tantrum or hitting, you can teach about appropriate behavior.
For example, "We don’t hit," and then transition them into a positive interaction.
The goal is to create positive emotions and positive experiences.
Instead of constantly saying "no" or "don’t," transition their energy away from negativity into something positive.
For a five-year-old, this might mean reading a book together, where you read a little, and they try a little.
Whatever the activity is, if they can experience positive interaction with you, it reinforces good behavior and distracts them from using negative actions to get attention.
That’s just a starting point.
If there’s a lot of defiance or negativity, I’d suggest taking your child to a play therapist.
Play therapy can help children express emotions they can’t yet articulate.
Unlike adults, children process their emotions through play.
There are play therapy and sand tray therapy approaches that can be very effective.
Therapists trained in this field help children talk about their emotions and experiences through play.
If you’re experiencing significant resistance or negativity, play therapy might be a great solution for your family.
