What is the biggest impact that you've seen divorce have on kids? Or how can I address that with my child, you know, co-parenting? So there's a lot of questions around that.
Yeah, it's a really good question. First of all, thanks for asking. Now let's talk a little bit about it. I’m going to give a couple of different types of answers here because one is relevant to the child's age.
A child under five might not fully understand, because their attachment to a parent may not be completely present. Splitting time is a little more confusing. It's hard to talk with a 3, 4, or 5-year-old about splitting time, in contrast to a 9, 10, 11, 12-year-old, or an adolescent. So we have to consider age differences. If you have children in both categories, communication is key.
One thing we know is that the higher the level of conflict, the more challenging it is for the children. Helping a child adjust to life after divorce involves trying to create the safest environment possible. One core principle in reducing anxiety is having a safe environment. Children do better in familiar environments—ideally, without needing to move, change schools, or lose their friends. If they have to do all three, it may lead to emotional setbacks.
Children often don’t talk about their feelings because they don’t fully understand them or aren’t fully aware of them. If you ask them how they’re feeling, they might respond in ways that appease you rather than reflect their true emotions, because it's hard for them to express how hard it really is.
Ideally, we create an environment where they can talk—or in some cases, where they can play. Research shows younger children benefit more from play therapy than talk therapy. Sand tray therapy or play therapy with a trained therapist can help children express what they’re experiencing.
Children generally aren’t great at identifying core emotions, so we must help create a safe space to talk and ask questions. We also want to avoid involving children in the details of the divorce. Triangulation—bringing them into conflict—should be avoided at all costs.
You might not be able to control what your ex-spouse is doing, but you can control the environment you create. Let your child feel your love and connection. A common fear among children is: “If mom and dad are divorcing, will they leave me too?” Reassure them that your love for them will never go away.
You can even say, “I still have love for your mother/father, but things didn’t work out between us. My love for you, though, is forever.”
So, reassure them, create safety, and maintain as much stability as possible. That’s the starting point for helping children adjust to divorce.
Older children may ask more questions, so it’s important to be ready to respond thoughtfully.
Ideally, if you and your former spouse can agree on an amicable approach and speak the same message to your children, that would be best. Conflict between parents and putting the child in the middle increases their stress and confusion.
Those are just some starting point suggestions I would recommend.
