Question: What tips can you give for navigating a new co-parenting relationship?
Dr. Kevin Skinner: I’d like a little bit more information, but with the information that we have, the best gift that you've given a co-parenting situation is to make sure that rule number one is that you avoid bringing your child into any conflict.
Usually, when we are separating or divorcing, we can bring the child into it—what we call triangulation—bringing them into the conflict. And the problem with that is the child doesn't know who to choose or who's right or who's wrong. So usually what they'll do is they’ll either side with one parent because they feel like they have to choose, or they'll pull back from both parents feeling like, "I don't wanna deal with you guys' stuff." And so my first rules of suggestion are to make sure that we avoid triangulating a child into it. If we wanna harm our child, that would be one of the best ways that we can harm our child. I don't recommend it.
Number two is, as we are engaging in co-parenting, we don't wanna talk bad about the other parent. Our child will observe if the other parent is making mistakes; let them shoot themselves in the foot. Don't you do it. My point is, children typically will pick up on emotions. So if your ex-spouse is doing something that is driving you absolutely crazy, then it's a matter of taking it up with them in an appropriate way. But bringing the child into it is not going to be successful. So if you have any issues, do it directly with the person, or do it through other adults to help you deal with inappropriate behavior or something that is maybe against what the divorce decree is. The key point there is we need to understand the importance of not getting the child involved.
The other part of it—the best thing you can do, and this is probably the most important thing—is that your child needs to know that they're loved, ideally by both of you. And if you can support that simple thing, letting them feel that they are loved no matter what. Because when parents separate, the child may also think, "Will they separate from me too? In other words, will they not want to be with me?" So a really important part there is that you continue to show genuine love for your child. And again, my hope is that the ex-spouse is doing the same.
The other part of it is to make sure that your role as that parent has similar structure to what it was like before you were separated. Having roles at home, whether that's helping with the dishes, vacuuming, taking out the trash—getting them involved, because now you may need them more than ever. Having them get into roles and things that they can do to support and help the family is important because as the family is changing, they still need specific guidance and developing those tools of how to live life. Doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, vacuuming, making their bed—those types of things may seem simple, but that lends to a higher sense of confidence when you are doing things to help clean up, take care of, and engage in.
Sometimes people will feel like there is a "Disneyland Dad," a term that we've used in our culture. Make sure that you're encouraging your child through productivity. It will be down the road when they go away from your home or leave for college that they will appreciate the skills that you continue to teach them. And that is an important part of continually helping them. Sometimes parents feel like, "I can't ask of anything, because then they'll go to the other parent." That's actually not quite true. They'll respect you if you say, "Look, this is how I wanna maintain our lives, and I wanna make sure that you're learning the skills that will help you for the rest of your life."
