Video Transcript
In this course, we are going to continue the conversation about crisis and how to respond effectively and how to support others with key steps through the process of dealing with crisis.
A parent who is experiencing this with a child, there are two things that come up. One is that the child needs to feel that they’re in a safe place. So having a parent who’s in control, who is calm and talking about this in sort of a reasonable manner, I think there’s a positive thing about that.
It’s important that you want to mirror what you want them to experience, which is you being calm, you showing, and that you can take in deep breaths and that you can ground yourself, but also eventually letting their child know that they themselves are human, and they might want to express to that child as well: “You know, this makes me feel bad too. I’m hurting inside too.” So it’s a normal human feeling to have — this fear, anxiety, depression, sadness — all of that is normal.
You want them to feel that you don’t have a whole lot of different information or you’re not experiencing something similar to what they’re experiencing.
It’s important to kind of prepare them for what is to come. So, for example, if you’re grieving the loss of a family member and you’re attending funeral services, you want to give your child some insight of what to expect possibly, and then check in with them: How do they feel about attending those services? This is just the way, again, for you to validate how they’re feeling and also have more communication to make sure that they know they have support through this crisis.
When you think about words of comfort or what phrases to use, I try not to use, you know, stock responses. I think it has to do with the relationship that you have or haven’t developed with someone else. But one of the first things I ask is, “That’s a horrible thing that you experienced. Are you okay?”
You want to make sure that you validate the feelings that they’re expressing to you, making sure again that you are not necessarily probing — asking a lot of questions, saying “What happened?” or “Tell me how you’re feeling.” You want to notice and observe how they are presenting to you. If they look like they’re worried, if they look like they’re scared, you just want to reassure them: “I’m here for you. If you want to talk, if you want to process how you’re feeling, I’m going to be here to help you through whatever you’re experiencing.”
Just to hear validation, I think, from somebody else — that “Yeah, that was horrible. That was awful.” Sometimes it’s unbelievable, some of the things we hear. But it’s necessary to follow up with connecting and making sure that that person also knows that there’s another human being that’s concerned about their feelings. And it can just be as simple as that: “Are you okay?”
When you have children that are dealing with crisis, you can help them manage the emotions that they’re experiencing. They might be dysregulated, and so the goal is to try to regulate those emotions. And so what that means is, for example, you want them to feel that they can be vulnerable with you. You want to create a space where they will want to show and share those emotions that they’re struggling with, instead of feeling like they have to suppress them or hold them in.
It’s sometimes difficult for a child to express those feelings for many reasons. One, I think, is because their emotional maturity may not be to the point where they can verbally express what they’re feeling. And so you may have to look at other things for them to exhibit. And sometimes that’s as simple as crying, and letting a child know, “You know what? It’s okay to cry. Let’s go ahead and just cry.” And then if they feel anger, it’s okay to be angry. Just say how you’re feeling. It’s okay. Just get it out.
You can facilitate that with activities such as allowing them to draw. Believe it or not, that’s a connection for children. When they’re having a hard time verbalizing or sharing their emotions, they’ll do it through a picture. And then they’ll be able to explain to you what they drew. And sometimes through that process, they’ll show and share more emotions with you.
I would tell parents: don’t be afraid of those real raw emotions that you might see from your child. It can be scary, and you don’t want your child to be experiencing that. But that’s a human thing that all of us experience. Ultimately, you just want to meet them where they are in that process and help them to understand a little bit better what they’re feeling and experiencing.
The initial part of it, though, is really just making sure that they know that there’s someone that understands that something horrible has happened, and then checking in with them. I think those are the first two steps that I would do as a physician.
