Help with Navigating a Divorce

There are two right here on the screen right now. One is, does my current two week on two week off arrangement with my daughter's dad affect her behavior? Um, and, and, you know, different question that, uh, maybe you could also address is, how do I handle a situation when, um, my child's father lost visitation and there's lies. So, kind of diff two different questions, um, that, that I would love for you to, to respond to next. All right, so let's deal with the first one, two weeks on, two weeks off. Uh, the first response that I would have to, that is, uh, I don't know the environment of, of your ex-husband. Um, and I don't know the environment of what your daughter's experiencing while she's two weeks away from you. Is there communication? Is there interaction? Does your child miss you during that time? Do you miss your child during that time? So, so part of the dynamics there is, is just an open awareness of what is this like. Obviously it's not the ideal. Now, if the environment at, at her father's home is an environment of positivity, focus for doing some, you know, keeping up with schoolwork, then that's a very different thing. Does, does, does your daughter feel loved there? And does your daughter feel loved in your home? What I often find is we typically have one parent who is, uh, maybe keeping a child focused, right? We want you to do schoolwork, we want you to participate around the house if there's chores, and, and we want you to have some fun and hang out with some friends. Now, as children get older, they're more likely to be able to make the decision of whether they want to continue on this two week, two week off thing. The most important thing that you can do, and this is identifying what I can control, not what's happening there. Now, if there's something very negative there, that's a different context, but what I can control is what happens in my home. And what I would want to do is focus on the relationship concept, relationship before rules, focus on developing the relationship because I can have much more influence with my child when they know that I'm in awareness of their needs. In other words, I'm attuned to them as as my child. So my invitation and suggestion here is to create the environment where your child wants to be. Now again, I don't know what's gonna be happening there, and, and truthfully I can't control that. But what I can control and what I can influence is what's happening in my home. And that would be one of my primary suggestions to do, is to create an environment where your child recognizes there's guidelines and structure, what you might say rules, but as a parent, you wanna show relationship. I want to know you, I want to understand your struggles, I want to be with you. And then, then we're more likely to be able to encourage structure, guidelines. Let's do homework. I'll be, in fact spend time with them doing some of these activities, and they will be grateful and appreciative because you're spending time with them. Now, I, again, I wanna say over time, if you have a healthy relationship with your child, that's generally something that, um, they, they will have more desire to be in your home over time. If things are not going well, there another scenario they will ask you. I don't, I don't wanna go. Eventually what happens is that usually stops the courts eventually, uh, get to the point. It's like, we have to let this child choose. But that has to be something that's done in a safe environment in your place where you create that kind of environment where your child wants to be. Ideally, your child still loves both parents because they both, they need both parents. And, uh, so my be my best suggestion is create the environment where you want your child to be. Um, the next part of it is this next question. Uh, how do I handle a situation when her father lost all visitations, um, and lies, uh, without, without talking bad about him? Um, I think the, probably the most important thing, you don't need to talk bad about, uh, him. You can simply say some, again, this conversation, most children want interaction with their parent. So you don't have to talk bad, but sometimes you do have to give information. Your dad did some things that made it so he can't be around us right now or around you right? Now. That doesn't mean that he doesn't care. It simply means that he did something and because of that, he can't be here. Now, that doesn't necessarily answer child. Why, why, why? But it helps him understand and not, you're not bashing their parent. You're simply saying that they did something that prevents them from being with this. Now, as your child matures and gets older, again, I don't know your child's specific gauge, they may already know or have a sense about it. And if they do know what occurred, then it is appropriate to share with them and not keep that in silence, to let them talk. But again, my suggestion is never talk bad about their other parent. You can answer questions. You don't, but you don't wanna bash, you don't wanna put down, you don't wanna ridicule, you don't wanna mock because they will then will think, well, when I'm away, will you do that to me? So important concept here is stay positive that their other parent, if they're say not functioning well, they're doing unhealthy things. They will, uh, in a, in my mind, they will take care of their own ineffective parenting on their own. You don't need to help 'em there. They will, they will, in my, the way I say it is they typically shoot themselves in the foot because of their own actions. Create the environment where you can have connection and you'll have better outcomes.