This next question is about discipline, but it has an interesting twist.
How do I discipline my daughter who's dealing with depression and anxiety? I sometimes feel that she uses the condition to manipulate various situations, and her siblings have taken notice as well.
When it comes to anxiety and depression, I would want to first understand if there are triggers to her anxiety and depression. It’s an interesting question: Is my child doing this to get attention, or is it manipulation, or is something else going on?
From a biological perspective, we know that somewhere between 40 to 60% of depression and anxiety is genetically based. I don’t want to ignore the possibility that her depression and anxiety are real and could have been passed down through generations. As clinicians and parents, it’s important to understand this.
The next part is helping your child in a relationship when they’re feeling depressed or anxious. It’s about providing tools and resources. One example I often mention is the Safe and Sound Protocol—giving your child strategies or solutions for when they’re feeling overwhelmed, and even practicing with them.
One effective tool is called “the basic exercise.” You can search for this on Google. It’s a simple two- to three-minute exercise that helps reduce anxiety by accessing the vagus nerve, which is critical for calming the body.
If the child is getting attention from their anxiety and depression, it’s important to shift that attention into more positive interactions. For example, you could say, “I’m here for you if you want to talk about your anxiety or depression,” but don’t give it too much energy. Instead, focus on positive things—like watching a movie together or engaging in a shared activity.
If your child says, “I can’t; I’m feeling depressed,” you can respond, “I’m here if you want to talk,” and let them come to you. However, if you’re concerned they might be suicidal, that’s an entirely different matter. In that case, ensuring their safety is your priority, and you need to check whether they have a plan for self-harm.
In these situations, using positive energy to inspire hope and excitement for life is essential. When we have something to look forward to or work on, it gives us a sense of purpose. Sometimes, we get so accustomed to the depression and anxiety that they feel like the default state.
Dr. Joe Dispenza, in his book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, emphasizes that we can’t change unless we change our thoughts, emotions, and actions. I would add beliefs to that list. True change comes from altering how we think, feel, and act.
I would start by creating opportunities for your child to feel and experience new things. And most importantly, I know you love your child—that’s why you’re asking this question. So the key is finding ways to communicate that love, even in difficult moments.