This next question is about defiance. It's simply, what do we do with defiance?
The question we might want to ask is: what is defiance?
Defiance is me wanting to do things my way. I don't want to be controlled; I don't want to be influenced. Defiance is going against, maybe, the norm or going against what a parent or teacher wants.
So, we have to pause and ask, what is triggering that kind of defiant response? Do I actually understand why they're being defiant? Do I understand what this child is experiencing?
If I can’t answer that question, then I’m probably going to give guidelines or rules like, “You can’t do that,” or “If you do that, you’re going to your room.” But defiance — there’s something driving it.
What is this child actually looking for? When we ask those types of questions, we usually get better outcomes.
If I can say, “I wonder what’s driving this in my child,” I might have more insight into their mind and what they’re thinking.
I can see defiance as something negative, or I can ask, “What is it they’re striving for? What is it they’re looking for?”
Do I see it as problematic, or do I see it as them having a voice for something they’re trying to do or want to do?
For example, a child with ADHD might get their mind set on doing something. If you interrupt the ADHD mind while they’re focused on a task, they might completely resist you because you’re distracting them from something their mind is totally engaged in.
The same thing can happen if a child is playing a video game. They’re tunnel-visioned. The defiance might simply be, “I don’t want to do that,” because they were fully immersed in the game.
These are things that, whether we see them as defiant or not, depend on our ability to see what’s happening in our child’s mind.
If you can understand, then you can have influence. For example, you might say, “Hey, I realize this game is really important to you. We’ve got about 10 more minutes, and then we’ve got to eat dinner.” Now you’re mentally preparing them for the transition.
You can even say, “Let’s put a timer on, and when it goes off, I need you to shut it off.” You’re giving them a warning, educating, and preparing them.
Defiance is often their way of saying, “I want to be in control. I want to have choice. I want to have influence.” So, give them choices. For instance, you might say, “We’ve got 10 minutes now, or you can finish the game 10 minutes after dinner.”
Giving options in this context helps. Children with options generally do better. We want to give children options and help them feel empowered in making decisions.
These are ways we can address defiance: understand your child, give them options, and, as I often say, if your child feels your love, that will be one of the best things you can do for them.
They’re more likely to listen when they feel connected and less likely to listen when they feel disconnected. You’ll get more resistance with less connection, more frustration, or pushback. But if you’ve got “money in the bank,” going back to that metaphor, they’re more likely to let you have influence over them.
