How Do I Have Deep Conversations With My Child?

Great question. Uh, that example of what I just said, right? So we're just talking, they, they call it parallel. Uh, generally speaking, teenagers, adolescents, they don't like eye to eye contact. So if we sit across a chair from them and we're looking at them and we're doing this to 'em, that's not nearly as effective. So literally, you would wanna be side by side. You are in a car, uh, you're doing the dishes together. So they are communicating with you, but they're actually not looking you in the face. There is something we know about teenagers that they're uncomfortable with this, this eye, eye contact, but if we're doing something parallel side by side, it's more effective. So one of the things that you might consider in that conversation is just having a conversation as, as we do that, the next part of it is, what do you wanna know? Now, be a curious parent. What do you know about your child? Now let me just give you a, a, a question. This is a humbling question for all of us. On a scale between zero and a hundred, what percentage of your ability to understand your child? In other words, how much do you understand your child's challenges? Who their best friends are, what their experiences are, and how they're experiencing school? Their, their, their own fears, their worries, maybe some of the other life challenges that you don't know? How, what percentage would you say, I know this percentage of my child, I know this much about them. Now, as parents, you know, this is true. How many secrets did you keep from your parents? How many things did they not know that you were doing? Alright? So your parents, and they, they think they know you and, and if you're a parent, you know darn well is a teenager, you're like, yeah, they don't know much about me. But what happens when we actually have conversations, when we can talk about whatever? See, what we're missing in our society is conversations we're so, I love this question. We're missing these meaningful dialogues. And so the question you're really asking is, is who is my child? What are they experiencing? What are their life challenges? And and you can say, well, I don't know if my child wants to talk about that. Oh my goodness, get your child talking. Create that kind of a safe environment, because all relationships, if you're gonna take notes on anything I say tonight, this is the principle. All human connection is based upon one fundamental principle. And that's the principle of safety. We open up in safe environments. If it's not a safe environment, we shut down, we close down, we don't communicate. So the first principle of all healthy human connection is creating a safe environment. You create a safe environment, a playful environment where you can laugh and joke and listen to music when you have difficult conversations and you say, Hey, how is this going? What are the challenges you're experiencing? Tell me about your hardest class. Tell me what, what, what it's like in that class. And, and tell me about your friends. How's it going with your friends? And by the way, guess what happened to me at work today? I was experiencing this thing and I got frustrated at work and I had to go for a walk outside. And when I was on my walk outside and I started thinking about my Interaction with you and my relationship with you, and I realized, you know what? There's things I don't know about you and there's probably things that uh, maybe you don't wanna share and you don't have to, but I would love to know some of your thoughts. I'd love to know what's going through your mind. I'd love to just get to know you better. You might have to pick your child up off the ground if you did that. But the concept is, is children want to be wanted. They want attention. They want your love. And how well do we actually know 'em? So, I love the question because if we're gonna succeed in our, in our role as parents, which our children long for, they absolutely long for, they just want to know that we are interested, curious in their lives. And if we are at a point where they have shut us out, and if we're at a point where they, they, they're mad at us because we did something wrong, we all do. But if that's the case, then what would happen if I owned it and said, you know, I haven't done this part. Well, I wanna improve. So could we just start by going to get an ice cream or going to get a donut or going to get a whatever smoothie or something. I'd like to just learn about what's going on in your world. And the reason why is 'cause you matter to me.