Loss is a part of life. And so is grieving. That doesn’t make it any less painful.
How can parents help their child cope with grief and begin to heal after loss?
First, let’s understand a little bit about how grief affects children with insights from Dr. Ayanna Abrams, a licensed clinical psychologist, and Dr. Ted Wiard, a licensed clinical therapist and certified grief counselor, along with other expert resources and advice.
Coping With Grief and Loss by Age: How Children Think About It
People think about grief mostly around the loss of a loved one. But other things can cause it: moving, the death of a pet, job loss or change, divorce, or even changing seasons.
Grief can be especially hard for children. Children deal with grief in different ways. How they think about it depends on their age and developmental stage.
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry listed some common reactions by age:
Preschool-aged children: Preschool children usually see death as a temporary thing. Or they think it can be reversed, like in a cartoon or video game.
Children from about 5 to 9 years old: Children in this age range understand more about death. But they tend to think it will never happen to them or anyone they know (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 2023).
Children 9 years old or older: Older children can think about death in a more adult way. They know death is final, though they might want it to be reversible (Child Mind Institute, 2024).
The 5 Phases of Grief and How they Show Up in Children
Some refer to the grief process as “stages.” However, Wiard explains it’s more accurate to think of it as “phases” of grief. People don’t go through them in order and don’t “check off boxes” when complete.
The 5 Phases of Grief:
- Denial: This is a protective mechanism. It protects against the overwhelming reality of the loss. This can include avoidance or avoiding reminders or situations associated with the loss.
- Anger: This is a protest against the injustice of the loss.
- Bargaining: This can involve thinking about the past and feeling guilt or regret over missed opportunities.
- Depressão: This is a period of sadness and surrender. People have to deal with the reality of loss.
- Acceptance: This doesn’t mean the griever thinks everything is okay. But it’s an acknowledgment of how things are. It’s a willingness to embrace life despite the loss.
Children, and all people, can go in and out of the phases at different times. And there’s no limit on how long a phase can last. It could be days, months, or years.
Signs and Symptoms of Grief: How to Know if Your Child is Struggling
Children may seem fine from the outside. But there are some common signs to tell if a child is feeling the effects of grief:
- Dificuldade de concentração
- Sleeping problems
- Clinginess, anxiety, or feeling abandoned
- Developmental regression or losing milestones already achieved
Regression and behavior changes can include school problems, acting out, and withdrawal. Older children might want to talk to their friends more than family about their feelings. And extreme sadness, anger, or depression might be exhibited (Child Mind Institute, 2024).
How to Help a Grieving Child
Children should be allowed to experience and express all their feelings of grief. They need a parent or caregiver’s support to understand what happened and to help them process their feelings (HealGrief.org, 2018).
There are some ways a parent can help. The Children’s Hospital of Richmond at Virginia Commonwealth University listed a few:
- Being patient with them when they seem confused or ask repetitive questions
- Providing physical comfort
- Inviting questions and answering them honestly and simply
- Not punishing regressive behavior
- Being honest about their own emotions and feelings
Parents can also help by maintaining routines as much as possible. Helping a child preserve memories of their lost loved one is also helpful. This can be by painting, drawing, or making memory boxes (CHR, 2024).
Parents may tell their child’s teacher or school counselor about the situation. That way, they can be aware of what the child is going through.
Coping with grief requires compassion, communication, planning, and self-care, Wiard and Abrams say. Parents should listen to what their child is saying and offer a safe space. A grieving child needs support, but ultimately only time can heal.
The COPE Method
Wiard and Abrams suggest helping children with the COPE method:
- C: Compassion for self
- O: Open communication
- P: Planning
- E: Engage in self-care
Compassion for self: There’s no right or wrong way to cope with grief. It’s different for everybody. Remind children to be gentle and compassionate with themselves.
Open communication: Help your child be open about their needs. They can turn down an invitation or let people know they might not be up to it. You can help by protecting them if they don’t feel comfortable saying no.
Planning: It’s helpful to plan ahead to manage events. Have a backup plan if you can tell they need to leave an event early or be flexible if they change their mind about a previously planned event.
Engage in self-care: Things like a nice, quiet walk or listening to relaxing music can help while grieving. Self-care can also mean reaching out to others for support. You can help your child by gently encouraging them to take care of their basic needs, even like bathing or eating.
Is it Time to Seek Grief Counseling for Children?
There’s no answer to how long grieving should take, no set timeline. Often, a family’s support can help a child progress through the phases of grief.
But there might be times a child can benefit from grief counseling. If a child has not progressed beyond the crippling early stages of grief after six months, families may want to reach out to a grief counselor (Dembling, 2022).
Parents, Caregivers Can Support Grieving Child
Coping with grief is not easy. It takes work and support. The feelings may never go away entirely.
Grief can come and go like ocean waves.
But parents and caregivers can help children navigate the journey.
Sources cited:
- American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychology, “Grief and Children,” September 2023. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-And-Grief-008.aspx
- Child Mind Institute, “Helping Children Cope With Grief,” September 23, 2024. https://childmind.org/guide/helping-children-cope-with-grief/
- Children’s Hospital of Richmond at Virginia Commonwealth University, “Grief Support,” 2024. https://www.chrichmond.org/patient-and-family-resources/support-services/child-life/grief-support/
- Dembling, Sophia. “When does Grief Require Therapy. March 26, 2022. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/widows-walk/202203/when-does-grief-require-therapy
- HealGrief.org, “Helping Children Cope and Deal With Grief,” 2018. https://healgrief.org/helping-children-cope-deal-with-grief/
