How to Help a Teen Build Confidence After Being Bullied

How can I help my teen who has been severely bullied? How can I help my team build confidence after that? Oh, okay. Thank you parent for, for asking the question. Um, I I’m gonna say two things. Um, one is having somebody on your side who will defend, protect is, is, is important. Now, sometimes children are afraid to come to parents because they’re like, I don’t want you to get involved. But, but a teenager needs somebody on their team and, and, and, and has appropriate response. That’s not okay behavior. That’s not acceptable. And what you experience is never right. We should never bully others. So, uh, someone who’s proactive, it may be talking with teacher, it may be talking with a school counselor. Getting involved and being proactive sends a message to your child, I love you too much to ignore this. If it’s happening now, that then, uh, goes into a school setting where the school wants to address it because the school, I mean, they look at this, many schools are concerned about bullying. In fact, I know a local school, they actually had a whole assembly on how, how to avoid bullying. And they, and they really created an environment. And their school, their focus was, we want a bully free school, meaning there’s no bullying here. We don’t want that here. And, and so getting schools involved and making them aware of it, you can’t change what you don’t understand. And so that’s one of the concepts is we can’t change if we don’t understand. So having it, having a voice is important. Now, let’s talk about your child specifically. And, and here’s the question. What did your child come to believe about themself as a result of being bullied? I’m not like others. I’m stupid. There’s something wrong with me. I’m not enough. I don’t fit. I don’t belong. Those are the things that, the cautionary beliefs that I would, I would be aware of with your child. And if they have those or have started forming those beliefs, I would wanna have a conversation with them. Here. Here’s the general concept. If I understand that my child is believing that I want to do everything I can to help counter the belief, for example, I want you to know that you are enough. And I, I, I want you to think about this. Why do you think other people bully others? What’s happening inside of them that they need to treat people that way? And now what you’re doing is you’re teaching your child how to think about this in a different way. Contrast that I’m stupid, I don’t belong, I’m not like others. Contrast. That’s, that’s not okay behavior. Let’s pause and think. Why do you think people treat others that way? What do you think is going on in their world that they choose to act that way? Now what you’re doing is you’re in an appropriate way. You’re helping them confront inappropriate behavior. And they may come up with, they’re doing it for social acceptance. Okay, that’s, that’s pretty good. So, so they’re doing that because they want others to like them. Is that a reason to treat anybody poorly? No. Never. Okay, so now they’re coming up with their own answers. A good friend of mine, Ken Petty, he said it this way, to ask, is to teach, to tell, just to preach. If we ask the questions, notice the question. Why do you think they do that? Versus me saying, that’s never right. That’s silly. That’s stupid of them. I wanna go beat ’em up. You might wanna go beat ’em up. I do. But to ask us to teach, help me understand. Why do you think they act that way? When they come to the conclusion, they’re gonna draw different conclusions. The conclusion they’re, they’re looking for social acceptance. They might have a hard child or a hard life at their home. So you’re saying that people treat each other poorly. Here’s the language. Hurt people hurt people. Think about that. Now you’re helping your child understand how to see this in a different way. If you can get them talking like that, not only are you teaching them that you’re safe to come to, but you’re letting them brainstorm with you why things happen. It’s a really an effective approach, and it’s effective not just with bullying, but when our children are forming the negative beliefs. If they’re having those, I’m overweight. There’s something wrong with me, I’m not enough. Be with them. Why do you think that? Help me understand now. Your curiosity helps them be more curious. It’s an effective way to get your child to open up.