This next question comes from a family who really wants to improve their communication skills. They have teenage daughters and sons, and the question is: how do I improve my communication skills? What can families do?
Oh, wow. Fun question. So let’s talk about this for a second. If I want to improve communication, I have to look in the mirror myself and ask, how am I communicating? Am I doing okay? Are we communicating okay?
I have a really simple model: the what, the why, and the how. It’s a way to communicate when you don’t know what to say. If something is important to us, we need to figure out what’s important, why it’s important, and how to best communicate it.
For example, if something is bothering you or you’re trying to teach your children, you can play a game. Get some pencils and paper and talk about communication—both positive and frustrating aspects. Ask, “What was the best part of your day?”
If I want to create effective communication, I can start with simple questions, but these questions should invite thought. Instead of just saying, “How was your day?” ask, “What was the best part of your day?” or “What stood out in your day that made you happy or frustrated?” These kinds of questions encourage reflection and meaningful interaction.
With my own son, I often ask, “What was your favorite class today?” If he doesn’t have one, I ask, “What was the most difficult one?” This back-and-forth creates a flow of communication. You don’t always have to talk about the same things—you can change the questions.
For example, you could ask, “How were your conversations with friends at school? What was your favorite thing that happened today? What was the most difficult thing? Did you have any meaningful interactions with your friends?” Even if your child says, “I don’t want to talk about it,” you can respond with, “Well, I enjoy talking with you. Want to know the best part of my day?”
If we share our own experiences and vulnerabilities, it helps our children get to know us better. In my family, we often play a game called “storytime.” When my daughter and I would do dishes together, we’d create stories. One of us would start with “Once upon a time…” and the other would continue.
The point is, communication happens when we’re creative, ask questions, show interest, share our experiences, and ask open-ended questions that encourage our children to think. These interactions should feel natural rather than forced.
The more we have these conversations, the better it is for our children’s mental health, for our relationships, and for our connection. When difficult topics come up—like addressing mistakes or giving tough news—we already have a strong foundation because we’ve been “depositing” into the relationship bank over time.
If you haven’t built that relationship, having tough conversations is like trying to withdraw from an empty bank account. So, we need to continually build that relationship.
Teenagers, of course, often give one-word answers. If you ask, “How was your day?” they might just say, “Fine.” But if you ask, “What was the best part of your day?” or “What was the most difficult part?” it’s harder to answer with just “Fine.”
The goal is to develop these kinds of interactions as often as possible to strengthen relationships and create an open channel for communication.