The family arguments can start over small things. Maybe a parent’s trying to enforce bedtime. Maybe a caregiver has repeatedly asked a child to clean up their room. But for some families, they end with shouting and slamming doors. And the next day, a different disagreement can set the whole thing off all over again.
When an argument is met with escalating intensity, that can lead to a cycle of conflict. Conflict cycles follow familiar patterns and are tough to escape from.
But escape is possible.
It’s important to understand the parts of ourselves involved in conflict cycles. Once people can see the emotions involved, they can break these cycles of conflict. That’s according to Jenna Riemersma, a Marriage and Family Therapist.
Identifying and Understanding Conflict Cycles
Identifying conflict patterns in our lives is the first step toward breaking them, Riemersma said.
It’s normal to have disagreements from time to time. That’s part of life.
But when conflict goes on all the time, it’s stressful and hurts relationships. Some people can find it difficult to manage their feelings. They can even become hurtful on purpose, or even aggressive and violent.
That’s when a family may be part of a conflict cycle. Cycles of conflict can happen to anyone, even those with healthy family relationships.
It’s not unusual. Children have more than 4,200 arguments with their parents or caregivers by the time they turn 18. People often have deep conflict cycles with those they love the most.
Understanding Selves to Understand Conflict Cycles
To do that, think about the different parts of yourself. It can be helpful to think of people as a core self, and many different parts.
When bad things happen, some of these parts are covered over by trauma. People exile those parts because they don’t like the way they make us feel, Riemersma said. And when those exiled parts get triggered, people get flooded by emotion.
Some of people’s separate parts include:
- Protectors: Kicks in to keep us safe when something stressful happens
- Exiles: These are the feelings triggered by that incident. They’re tied to past traumas.
- Core self: This is our true self.
When a stressful incident happens, a person’s Protector Instinct kicks in. This is to safeguard the person against threats. There are two types of protector parts: Managers and firefighters, Riemersma said. Managers handle daily needs. Firefighters come into play when we sense danger.
That triggers feelings known as Exiles. These are tied to past traumas and can lead to certain behaviors. Exiles develop to protect a person from feeling pain, terror, or fear.
Strategies for De-escalating Conflict and Ending Family Disputes Peacefully
When a family’s in a conflict, the first step to de-escalating it is to understand the emotions and parts of selves in play. Recognize and talk about the emotions present. But don’t let them control the conversation. People should speak for their emotions, not from them.
It’s all about self-awareness. People can choose areas to focus on, and separate the feelings from the actual situation.
This way people can control their responses, and then respond instead of react. That promotes understanding and resolution, instead of escalation.
Some more tips for parents to calmly de-escalate an argument
Listening is one important way to de-escalate a situation. Wait until the person has vented their frustration and explained how they are feeling. Confirm you’ve listened and understood, and express empathy.
Try to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements in a dispute. This promotes personal responsibility for one’s feelings. It also encourages an empathetic response from others.
Those techniques can help the person feel calmer, according to public health officials.
Experts note that the “repair” after a conflict is important. Parents or caregivers can repair by spending special time with children individually. Let them control the agenda and how long to spend together. Parents can also try to show appreciation to their children out loud, and notice the good in their children throughout the day.
If someone’s caused hurt, it’s important for them to identify the hurt they caused. Acknowledging the hurt without adding excuses is one way to help heal. Show true remorse with an apology. Don’t add statements like “but…”
Taking Steps Toward Resolving Family Arguments Peacefully
Arguments and conflict cycles are going to happen – especially in a family. But everyone has the tools to interrupt them.
The keys are:
- Understanding and addressing the emotions felt
- Being patient with each other
- Growing with each other
When families understand the parts of themselves, they can recognize and escape conflict cycles.
