A client recently asked, “How do I deal with my eighth grade son who does not want to go to school?” When it comes to school refusal, approaching your child with curiosity rather than a punishment mindset is essential. Even if their reasons don’t make sense to you in the moment, they feel very real and justified to your child. Staying calm and asking open-ended questions can make all the difference.
One of my favorite questions to ask is, “Can you help me understand what’s making school so hard right now?” And then truly listening to whatever comes up. There may be very real issues at the root of it—bullying, being socially excluded, feeling insecure, struggling with a specific teacher, or navigating classroom dynamics that are causing anxiety and stress.
It’s also important that we take childhood burnout seriously. It’s a very real phenomenon. We place enormous pressure on young people to perform constantly, and that takes its toll.
Something else I want parents to know is that teens and tweens often open up when there is a little distraction involved and they’re not put on the spot with direct eye contact. Some of the best conversations happen while driving in the car or during quiet, side-by-side moments like rubbing their back or feet. That kind of connection creates a sense of safety and vulnerability.
Once you understand what’s driving the school refusal, you can begin to explore solutions. Sometimes offering a mental health day is exactly what a child needs to reset. If there are peer or teacher conflicts, it may be time to schedule a meeting with a school counselor or administrator, because your child deserves to feel safe at school—not just attend.
If burnout is the issue, look at their schedule together and identify activities that could be reduced or removed to create more breathing room and restore energy and motivation.
Above all else, when parents stay grounded in connection and curiosity, they can partner with their child and face the problem together.
