Question: As a grandparent raising a child, how can I manage my own emotions while taking care of everyone else?
Dr. Kevin Skinner: I love this question. Thank you for asking it, because it shows that you care about the upcoming generation. But I love what you said there at the end: "How do I deal with my own emotions?"
That self-awareness is absolutely important and beautiful because you are dealing with your own grief, and that grief is also in your grandchildren. By dealing with your own grief, there’s a term I use—it’s called "giving it a voice." What that means is you have to speak to your pain, your hurt, your loss, and your grief associated with whatever your child has engaged in, because in so many ways, it’s a loss. That loss is the part that’s most concerning here.
So, the first step is to identify your grief and your loss—give it a voice. That could be done through writing it out or talking it out with a safe person. Then, you have the opportunity to talk to your grandchild about what they’re experiencing. If you have dealt with your own stuff first, you will be more comfortable hearing their stuff.
If I come in unaddressed, I too could get so frustrated with what their parent did, or I could actually shut down my grandchild by expressing my frustration. They may feel like they have to protect their parent, and they may turn against you because they feel like you are attacking their parents, even though they probably feel very similar to you. We typically defend our parents—not always—but if we do in situations like this, you will lose influence with them.
The best approach is to ask: "How are you holding up? What’s it been like for you? Are you doing okay? How can I support you?" Those are the types of questions that we would encourage you to ask because you’re inviting them to teach you how they are feeling. Don’t assume that you know how they’re feeling by saying, "You must feel..." or "I’m sure you think that..." That is telling them what to feel instead.
"I’m wondering" or "I’m curious" is one of the best things that you can do. But start that whole process with yourself. "I’m feeling, I’m concerned, I’m thinking, I’m angry, I’m upset." Be truthful with yourself so you can deal with those emotions. Talk about it in a safe environment so you are not throwing your stress and anxiety onto your grandchildren.
