Oh wow. Kudos to this parent for acknowledging, “I yell, and I don’t want to be a yeller.”
Two things come to mind initially. The first is that because you have that awareness, your probability of creating change goes up — you’re acknowledging and owning that you don’t want to be that way as a parent. That’s a great sign. Now let’s provide tools.
Every time you want to yell, there’s probably something else going on in your life. It’s not necessarily what you’re observing in your child — there’s something inside of you that needs attention. So I invite you to step back and analyze: Why am I yelling? What is it about?
Your insight into your own behavior is really important. Think through the last time you found yourself yelling and go through a simple exercise: What was I experiencing? Why was it so important to me? How did I communicate it?
The “what, why, how” exercise helps you assess yourself:
What was I feeling?
Why was that so important?
How do I best communicate it?
This process helps you realize that your child’s behavior may have triggered feelings — anxiety, worry, or feeling disregarded or unimportant. Sometimes yelling comes from “parental shame,” where we feel inadequate because of what our children did or didn’t do.
For example, when you ask your child to do the dishes or clean their room and they don’t, you might end up yelling — not just to get your point across, but because their behavior made you feel unheard or like a “bad parent.”
Often, this response comes from learned behavior — maybe yelling was common in your family growing up. Recognizing that pattern is powerful. By saying, “I don’t want to be that way,” you’re already taking the first step toward breaking it.
Practice the “what, why, how” method each time you feel tension building. When you start noticing those physical signs — the tightening in your chest or that rise in frustration — pause and ask yourself:
What am I feeling?
Why am I feeling this way?
How do I want to respond?
If you do this consistently over time, your self-awareness will grow — and your tendency to yell will decrease significantly.
