How can I help my children who’ve been struggling with grief for the past five years?

There are different reasons we experience grief—usually some kind of loss: death, divorce, losing a job or a friend. Grief comes in many ways, but it is always the loss of something we expected would be there for us.

As we grieve, part of healing involves giving voice to what we’re experiencing. In our field, there’s a concept called the Zeigarnik Effect—the idea that we spend up to 90% of our mental energy on incomplete or unresolved experiences.

If a child has been grieving for five years, something feels incomplete or unfinished for them. They haven’t been able to fully process or complete the grieving experience.

Depending on the child’s age, support may look different: younger children may benefit from play therapy, while adolescents may need someone they can talk to who listens, understands, and validates their experience. The key is helping them give voice to what they feel.

Sometimes they don’t want to talk about it. That’s okay. We can use alternative approaches—drawing, creating something, or engaging in parallel conversations, such as talking while driving or walking, rather than face-to-face.

We want to help them express themselves in their own time and space, in ways that feel safe, comfortable, and natural. Conversations often emerge while playing a game, hiking, riding a bike, or eating ice cream—not through direct pressure like, “Tell me how you’re doing.”

It can also help when parents show vulnerability, sharing some of their own feelings related to the loss. When communication becomes bidirectional rather than one-sided, children often open up more.