How do I help my daughter who is self-harming?
When a child is cutting, it is often connected to anxiety and not knowing what to do with internal emotional pain. While this behavior is understandably scary for parents, one of the most important things we can do is help the child understand what is happening inside of them.
Typically, there is a strong sense of internal stress, angst, or anxiety. The body may experience a brief sense of relief from the behavior, but that relief is usually followed by embarrassment or shame. Then the child feels the need to hide what’s happening, which is not where we want them to be from a mental health and wellbeing perspective.
What we hope instead is that when a child feels the urge to self-harm, they have a resource—someone they can talk to, such as a parent, teacher, trusted adult, or friend—rather than managing the anxiety alone. Unfortunately, many people who feel overwhelmed or anxious are afraid to let others in because they worry about being judged or misunderstood.
It’s important to help children feel supported rather than ashamed of the behavior. They need to know they have someone to talk to and to understand what’s happening in their body. Often, self-harm occurs when someone doesn’t know how to cope with intense emotional pain. That’s why developing additional coping skills is so important.
For example, some people create a calming music playlist that helps them relax. Others learn breathing exercises, listen to guided meditations, or practice basic grounding exercises. These tools help regulate emotions.
When someone feels anxious or overwhelmed, the body often goes into a fight, flight, or freeze response. Anxiety usually activates fight or flight, and the “fight” response may be expressed through self-harm. Learning how to slow that response down and regulate emotions—turning the intensity down—can be very helpful and effective.
Emotional regulation is a valuable skill for everyone. Self-harm is best understood as a coping strategy, not a definition of who the child is. It does not mean they are bad; it means they are hurting emotionally. Learning healthier ways to express and manage those emotions is a skill that can be developed.
