Concern: I'm concerned about my five-year-old kindergartner who can only sleep with parents.
Dr. Kevin Skinner: So there's a couple of strategies on this one. The concept of "he can only sleep with parents" is his perception and the environment that's been created because we don't want him to experience feeling a fear, or we don't want this child to feel like they're alone.
So if that's the pattern, one of the philosophies is that we give them soft support, which is to be with them and help them fall asleep in their bed. If they wake up—and this is not always easy to do—but if they wake up in the middle of the night and they come into your room, just gently bring them back to their room. You might stay in there for a few minutes. You might sing them a hymn or a song or something that's going to soothe them, and then let them fall back to sleep. And if they wake up, you do the same thing repetitively to help them understand that they're not going to be in the bed with you.
Now, some people have a separation anxiety or feel like, "I'm abandoning my child and they're gonna have scars forever." That's actually not true. What normally happens there is when children learn that that's where they're gonna sleep, then they learn to relax in that space. But what they've ultimately learned to do is they've learned to be in your presence. Close physical touch is something that we all long for.
So, you can actually increase touch during the day—reading a book on your lap or doing other things. Let them know. You might give them a teddy bear to cuddle with. You might do something that gives them a feeling of connection, like a weighted blanket that's their size.
The point then is philosophy number one: we teach them that this is where you sleep, and we help them create an environment where that becomes a safe place. We might find soothing music that they could listen to as they go to sleep, or if they wake back up, that we can turn that music back on. So what we're doing is we're creating an environment that they want to be in. We're actually trying to make our place—our bedroom—a little bit uncomfortable. The reason why is because they eventually have to learn to be on their own, and that deeper sleeping, the temperature, the environment—everything there—needs to be very, very good for their own personal development.
Now, parents often don't do this if they've got in that pattern because they're afraid that they'll do harm to their child. The harm is the fear that somehow they're gonna be abandoned. Well, if you're a parent who genuinely cares about your child, they're not gonna feel abandoned in those few hours that you're not there. Because if you're there the rest of the time and you're helping them, developing skills, communicating with them, and doing the things we call the most basic needs—eye contact, your tone of voice, your facial expression, the smile, and ultimately healthy touch—they are going to feel cared for.
And that's one of the more critical parts of this. The second part of it is that if they feel care outside of their sleep pattern, then you're gonna be able to calm them in their bed and they'll be able to claim that space as their own, which ultimately we want them to do over time anyway.
