What can I do for a child that lies and keeps secrets?
Usually in situations like this, I like to know the child’s age. When a child lies or keeps secrets, we often ask: are they doing it for attention? Do they enjoy the energy or reaction it brings?
As a parent, the first question to ask is, “What’s this about for them?” Sometimes we may not know. They might lie because they learned they could, they like how it feels, or they’re trying to avoid getting in trouble — which is very common. For example: “No, I didn’t take the cookie from the cookie jar,” when clearly someone did.
One guideline is to avoid shaming the child. Don’t make them feel bad, evil, or unlovable. Let them know they’re loved, while teaching the importance of honesty and truth.
Years ago, I read a book filled with stories about character development. One story showed how a child’s lie affected others — stories like this can help kids understand the impact of lying. Think of classic tales, like Pinocchio. It teaches that lies can have consequences, even if noses don’t actually grow. What does happen is a breakdown of trust.
You can help your child understand that. If they’re young, Pinocchio may work well. But with a 15- or 16-year-old, it’s more about avoiding punishment. So, age matters in how we approach it.
Talk about trust. “If I trust you, I’ll let you borrow the car. But if I can’t trust you to tell the truth, I hesitate.” When trust is broken, it raises questions: “What else are you hiding?”
These conversations are hard but necessary. Approach them with love: “I want to trust you because I love you. But when I know you’re lying, my trust, not my love, starts to pull back.”
Sometimes, role-playing can help. Let your child be the parent while you pretend to lie. This gives them perspective. It’s a way to educate, practice honesty, and connect.
Ask your child: “Will you commit to telling me the truth, even if you think I’ll be upset?” Reinforce that honesty is more important than the mistake. “Truth will bless your life.”
When children lie, parents often react quickly. But pause — most of us lied to our parents too, or didn’t share the whole truth. (I see you smiling, Michelle!) You’re likely in good company.
The goal isn’t to expect perfect honesty, but to help children see the value of being truthful. It’s a lifelong lesson worth teaching.
