Okay, so here's another thing. Our daughter likes a boy that we're not too sure about.
What do you think?
Well, first of all, I would want to identify what your concerns are. Rule number one: put it on yourself first. What is it that we are picking up that makes us uncomfortable?
Is that our issue? Is that something we're observing? And I think we, as parents, need to deal with our own stuff first.
Then, we have to be cautious. Because if your daughter likes this guy, and you say she shouldn’t like him, now your child is in a state of stress.
"I like the guy, but my parents don’t like the guy."
Now, if your child really likes him, they might go behind your back because they don’t want to disappoint you.
So now we have a different situation. How do I communicate my concerns to my child without pushing them away? That’s your real question. How do I do that?
A couple of suggestions. Obviously, like I said, start by dealing with your own concerns. What are you picking up? Why is that a potential problem or red flag?
Once you've identified that, you can communicate your concerns in a non-threatening way.
Let’s look at a couple of scenarios.
Scenario one: I don’t like this guy you’re dating. He’s a bum.
What does that do to your child?
Well, now they might think: I must have bad judgment. My parents called him a bum. Maybe he is a bum, but I still like him.
Now we’re in a tricky situation.
Contrast that with this approach:
"Hey, it seems like you kind of like Joey."
Notice, I didn’t say anything else. Just an observation.
"Oh, Mom/Dad!"
"Well, I’m just saying it seems like you’re a little sweet on him. I’m curious—who is he? Tell me a little bit about him. What do you like about him?"
Now, who's preaching the sermon? The child is—because you're asking questions.
If you preach the sermon, your child might resist. But if you ask in a curious, playful, fun way, they might open up.
If they say, “I don’t know, we’re just friends,” then maybe you don’t have to worry as much.
If they are a little sweet on him, then you can have deeper conversations:
"Okay, let’s talk about your relationship. What does it mean to you?"
And if you're picking up red flags, that might be the right time to say:
"I've noticed something, and I just want to put this in your thoughts. Could you think about this for me?"
Now, instead of dictating, you’re empowering your child. You’re giving them space to make their own choices while being aware of your concerns.
If it’s a huge red flag, then of course, you step in more directly:
"I really encourage you to think about this."
That’s how I would approach it. I would be careful not to push my child away. I would be careful not to preach.
A good friend once told me:
"To ask is to teach. To tell is to preach."
We want to teach through questions, not preach through lectures.
That’s a good rule for parenting in general.
