What is the effect when a parent refuses to address that there is a need for repair?
When the parent refuses to recognize there's a need for repair, then if I’m the child, I might not recognize that. If I’m the other parent or if I’m in that situation and they just say, “Well, I didn’t do anything wrong,” the child themselves may give that feedback because the child will naturally pull away, pull back. And that’s probably a natural part of that. A child will naturally pull back—you can’t control that part.
But again, whether they recognize it or not, I’m going to stay present. And if I’m in this relationship and it is my spouse, I might have a heart-to-heart conversation saying, “Look, I just would like you to be aware that this is the feedback I’m getting from our child—this specific child—and I’m putting it out there because I want you to be aware of it. Then I’m going to let you carry how you respond to that, because I don’t want to get in the middle of that. But I just want to tell you what the child has said to me.”
So now I’m doing it in a way that I’m staying out of that dynamic, but I am educating them and saying, “Look, I know you want a relationship.” Usually parents do—they want a positive relationship. “But the child feels this way, and I’m sharing that with you. And if you’d like to talk with me about that, I’d love to hear what you’re feeling or what you’re experiencing.”
