First question: Dr. Skinner, I have suspicions that my child doesn't feel completely safe when they're with my ex. How can I know for sure?
There are two things I think of in that situation. First, you need an outside voice. In situations like this, parents are often in conflict, and children can get caught in the middle of what’s happening. In more destructive dynamics, one parent may try to turn the child against the other, creating an environment where the child feels like they have to choose.
When a child feels forced to choose between parents, it can create significant emotional distress. They want acceptance from both parents, and when they feel they can’t have that, it can lead to confusion and even trauma.
That’s why it’s important to involve a neutral third party—someone who can talk with the child and understand what they’re truly experiencing, without being influenced by either parent. When you’re in the middle of conflict, it’s often difficult to see clearly.
One of the most important things I tell parents is to leave children out of the divorce. The more amicable and consistent parents can be, the better the outcome for the child.
Children need to know that the divorce is not their fault. They should not feel caught in the middle, and they need reassurance that both parents still love them. They also need to feel that they are not losing their relationship with either parent.
It’s important to focus on what you can control—providing validation, emotional support, and stability. Keeping consistency in their environment, such as maintaining routines, friendships, and family connections, is also very helpful.
Another concern is when one parent may try to influence or distort the child’s perception of the other parent. If that is happening, it becomes even more important to involve an outside professional who can observe and help clarify what is actually going on.
When conflict between parents escalates, children are usually the ones who suffer the most. So the goal should be to protect the child’s emotional well-being as much as possible.
