At what point does disconnection, a lack of connection, and feeling unprioritized by a parental figure become detrimental to a child's mental and emotional health?
What’s interesting about that is I’ll give two answers. First, research indicates that when we are disconnected and there is no repair, that’s when problems begin. You can see this illustrated in the “still face experiment” by Dr. Edward Tronick.
In this experiment, a mother interacts normally with her infant—smiling, engaging, responding. Then suddenly, the mother becomes unresponsive and still-faced. The baby immediately senses the disconnection and tries to re-engage—smiling, pointing, making noises. When the parent does not respond, the baby becomes distressed, turns away, and shows signs of emotional stress, even losing composure.
Even in a short period of time, lack of connection without repair creates distress. When a child feels disconnection and doesn’t know how to repair it—or it isn’t repaired—that’s when long-term issues can develop, such as difficulty trusting others or insecure attachment patterns.
That’s the first part: disconnection becomes harmful when there is no repair.
The second part is that children are incredibly resilient. Even if a primary caregiver is unavailable—due to busyness, personal struggles, or other challenges—a child can still thrive if there is another consistent, loving adult present. This could be a grandparent, teacher, neighbor, or mentor.
What children need most is someone. As has been said, “Everyone needs somebody.” If a child has a person who provides safety, presence, and love, that relationship can help offset other areas of disconnection.
In my clinical work, I often ask people to identify someone who nurtured them. Most can name someone—a parent, grandparent, teacher, or other trusted adult. However, when someone cannot identify anyone, they often struggle more deeply with trust and connection.
Even then, healing is possible. When individuals begin to experience consistent, safe relationships—even later in life—they can start to rebuild trust and connection.
So, it’s not about a specific point in time when harm becomes permanent. What matters most is whether connection and repair are present at some point.
Parents can also repair past disconnection by acknowledging it, taking responsibility, and working to reconnect. That ownership is powerful.
Children are resilient, but they are also vulnerable to unaddressed disconnection. The key is awareness, attunement, and a willingness to repair relationships when breaks occur.
