We’re dealing with fresh grief as a family. Our family is changing with a separation. Should we focus on the now? There’s a lot of talk about the future, but we don’t have those answers. What do we do?
Dr. Kevin Skinner:
This question has two parts. First, the grief itself comes from some kind of separation—whether it's due to death, divorce, or another event that causes loss. The real challenge is what that loss does to us individually. One person may be deeply affected while another may not be. So it’s important to recognize, “This is how I’m experiencing it,” and understand that others may feel differently.
A friend of mine once did research and found that it’s powerful to have a group where everyone can share what the event means to them. So, in your family, it’s helpful to ask: “How are you making sense of this?” “How am I?” “How is each person in our family interpreting this situation?” Giving each person a voice in their experience is incredibly valuable.
The second part is about the future. Sometimes we project too far ahead and stop living in the present. Yes, thinking about the future is important, but the way to be ready for it is to live well today. Ask yourselves: “How are we spending our time right now?” These are the types of reflections that help us stay grounded.
So my suggestion in situations like this is to have an open conversation:
“There’s a lot going on. Let’s talk just about today. What’s something good that happened? What’s been the most challenging? How are you experiencing this?”
It helps to look at the short term, medium term, and long term. Yes, future planning matters, but today is what we know. Ask:
What is today’s task?
What needs to happen now?
How can we support each other today?
These questions are essential. You’ll notice I’m focusing on asking questions. The more we self-reflect and ask ourselves, “I wonder about this” or “I wonder about that,” the more insight we gain.
Ultimately, the expert on your experience is you. That’s the concept we’re after. But if we don’t ask those questions, we may not understand ourselves or others. If someone doesn't give voice to their feelings, we may never know what they’re truly going through.
A friend of mine once said:
“The seeds to the solutions to our problems lie within us.”
And I believe that’s true. The most insightful voice is often the one within each of us. That’s a powerful way to approach grief and uncertainty.
